A Dog’s Opinion on How Weird Humans Are

May 18, 2020

Dear Diary,

Now that we’ve spent so much time together, I’ve been observing my owner a lot more. And I’ve noticed that people are kind of peculiar creatures. They have lots of strange habits that I just don’t get. And I can’t help but think that humans are weirdos.

This is a list of the weirdest stuff that I’ve seen them do:

They go to the bathroom inside: I’m not sure why humans use a toilet when the back and front lawns are so much roomier. And the great outdoors are great for odor control (I’m just saying). Plus, you don’t really need to worry about a toilet paper shortage when you air dry.
They shower daily: I think bathing should be for fancy occasions ONLY, like when you’re going to spend a week at grandma’s or when you get sprayed by a skunk.
They spend lots of time texting: Maybe I’d do this too if I had opposable thumbs. I think I’d probably send a lot of memes. Mainly about dogs.
They buy many things from someplace called Amazon: The UPS driver brings gifts inside cardboard boxes almost daily. I think he might be Santa.
They binge-watch TV: If I ever got to control the remote, we’d watch the classics, like Lassie, Benji, and Rin-Tin-Tin.
They do yoga: They contort their bodies and force their limbs into all these wild positions! Downward dog is my favorite asana. I also like the wolf pose.
They check the stock market: Talk about BORING!
They speak to other humans in a funny voice: When my owner communicates with other people, she uses this weird voice and she sounds different than she does with me. It’s not as high-pitched or enthusiastic. And she never asks humans if they’re a good boy. Ever!
They don’t eat everything in the pantry: They only take bits at a time. It’s madness – they ration their food! Well, not the chocolate.
They spend lots of time watching cat videos: I can’t pretend this doesn’t hurt.